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Matrimonial  Primer 


First  Lesson  in  Designing 


Matrimonial  Primer 

by  V  B.  Ames  with  a  Pictorial 
Matrimonial  Mathematics  & 
Decorations  by  Gordon  Ross 


Paul   Elder  and  Company 
Publishers,   San   Francisco 


Copyright,  1905 

by  PAUL  ELDER  AND  COMPANY 

San  Francisco 


$ 


The  Tomoy*  Press 
San  Francisco 


TO 

H.  S.  A. 

THE  WISEST  WOMAN 
I  KNOW 


167623 


UNIVERSITY 


is  for  Announcement, 
Our  modern  pagan 

way 
Of  publishing  the  wedding 

bans 
Anent  the  happy  day. 


If  you  are  looking  for  a  wife  who 
will  be  as  pliable  and  responsive  as  clay 
in  the  potter's  hands,  you'll  have  to 
dig  her  up  from  foreign  soil. 

A  lover  is  an  indulgence;  a  husband 
a  confirmed  habit.  Acquire  only  a 
good  one. 


167623 


The  woman  who  charmed  you  with 
her  bright,  vivacious  wit  may  not  be 
able  to  keep  it  up  three  hundred  and 
sixty-five  days  in  every  year.  You  were 
a  stimulant,  but  you've  become  a  steady 

diet. 

• 

How  beautiful  is  love!  How  perfect 
it  seems  with  all  its  illusions,  delusions 
and  dreams! 


Addition 
Ex. :   One  added  to  one  =  I 


is  the  Bride,  all  else  beside 
Doth  strangely  take  to 

flight; 
The  strains  begin  from 

Lohengrin, 
And  the  world  drops  out 

of  sight. 
Her  soul  seems  lost,  till  the 

gulf  is  crossed 
That  their  two  souls 

divide ; 
Old  shoes  and  flowers  and 

rice  in  showers 
To  earth  recall  the 
bride. 


Don't  marry  a  man  thinking  you  can 
smooth  him  down  or  rub  him  up  to 
your  ideal.  If  he  does  not  appear  ideal 
to  your  blind  love,  better  leave  him  to 
some  one  more  blind. 


You'll  probably  never  be  called  upon 
to  lay  down  your  life  for  your  wife,  so 


you  might  as  a  tender  substitute  look 
pleasant,  don  your  dress  suit  and  ac- 
company her  to  her  club  reception. 


Don't  be  a  valet  to 


your 


husband. 


is  the  Ceremony,  long  or 

short, 

According  to  their  lon- 
gitude or  creed; 
The  man  is  always  bored, 
By  the  maid  it  is  adored, 
And  for  both  it  fills  a 
long-felt  need. 


Probably  you  intend  your  wife  to 
have  some  money;  it  might  be  con- 
ducive to  intelligent  expenditure  if  she 
knew  about  the  amount. 


If  you  have  a  large  and  generous 
impulse,  and  wish  to  give  your  wife  a 
present  and  are  not  sure  what  she 


would  like,  you  had  better  give  her 
some  personal  attention  until  the  a  b  c's 
of  her  tastes  and  preferences  are  known 
to  you. 

If  by  any  rare  chance  your  husband 
is  a  good  talker,  you  will  shine  best  as 
a  listener;  if  he  isn't,  give  him  an  op- 
portunity occasionally  to  practice. 

Don't  wear  callous  places  all  over 
your  husband's  tender  heart  by  inces- 
sant demands  upon  his  attention  and 
sympathy. 


might  stand  for  Devil, 
Or  Dakota  or  Divorce, 

Or  for  Duty  to  each  other 
That  insures  the  happier 
course. 


Absence  may  make  the  heart  grow 
fonder;  presents  have  been  known  to 
have  the  same  effect. 


Don't  be  satisfied  with  just  keeping 
the  wife — keep  her  love,  by  about  the 
same  methods  used  in  winning  it. 


Jenny  Wren  once  said  to  her  mate, 
"How  loud  and  conspicuous  Miss  Lark 
is!"  Johnny  Wren  strained  his  ear  to 
catch  her  every  twitter. 

"How  ridiculously  fat  Mrs.  Robin 
has  grown!"  Johnny  took  admiring 
note  of  her  curves. 

"What  a  disgraceful  flirt  Miss  Blue- 
bird is ! '  Johnny  returned  her  coy 
salute. 

"What  a  terrible  reputation  Mrs. 
Blackbird  is  getting !  "  Johnny  immedi- 
ately investigated  for  himself. 


Subtraction 
Ex.:  One  taken  from  one  leaves  "X" 


is  for  Ever,  as  each  fondly 

thinks 
His  love  can  never  grow 

less; 

And  above  in  the  blue 
Is  one  star  for  the  true 
Who  love  but  one  love 
and  that  bless. 


It's  unwise  to  assume  that  your  own 
gray  spots  will  escape  attention  merely 
by  painting  the  other  fellow  with  black 


ones. 


As  long  as  man  seeks  his  mate  and 
proposes  the  union,  lack  of  felicity  im- 
peaches only  his  judgment. 


If  you  marry  a  sweet  young  maid  of 
half  your  years  with  the  idea  of  edu- 
cating her  to  a  similarity  of  tastes  and 
companionableness  for  declining  years, 
ten  to  one  Cupid  will  start  a  rival  kin- 
dergarten not  far  along  your  life's  way. 

Perfect  frankness  as  to  your  financial 
standing  will  remove  the  temptation 
to  secret  expenditures  for  your  own, 
and  extravagant  ones  for  your  wife's 
pleasure. 


for  Flowers  and  Fortune, 
Fair  days  and  Faithful 

Friends; 
Full  measure  of  life  and 

love,  and 
Faith  till  the  story  ends. 


You  may  hope  to  influence  your 
husband's  politics,  religion,  business,  but 
don't  tamper  with  his  pronunciation. 

If  the  soul  of  the  woman  did  not 
appeal  to  you,  regardless  of  its  covering 
of  clothes  or  flesh,  you  deserve  disap- 
pointment, and  will  doubtless  get  it. 


You  can  make  a  selfish,  inconsiderate, 
dissatisfied  husband  out  of  a  perfectly 
kind  and  amiable  man  by  performing 
menial  services  that  any  healthy,  self- 
respecting  man  should  do  for  himself. 

To  desire  your  wife's  happiness 
amounts  to  mighty  little,  unless  you 
are  willing  it  shall  be  accomplished  in 
her  way. 


is  the  Groom ;  to  under- 
stand 
The  laws  that  govern  a 

match, 

You   stand    in   a   row  all 
the  men  that  you 
know, 
And  at  leap-frog  incite 

each  back. 
Your  eyes  tightly 

bind 

Until  you  are  blind — 
Grab  a  frog  and  call  it 
a  catch. 


A  partnership  of  lives  involves  a  shar- 
ing of  liabilities  as  well  as  profits. 

Clinging  vines  and  business  imbeciles 
are  out  of  fashion  as  wives.  A  course 
in  commercial  law  or  social  economy 
is  a  valuable  matrimonial  asset  these 
days. 


Two  positive  matrimonial  opinions 
are  apt  to  have  a  negative  effect  on 
harmony. 

Before  your  marriage  did  it  ever 
occur  to  you  that  your  dressmaker's 
awful  and  ruinous  blunders,  or  the 
rapid  and  unwarranted  dissolution  of 
the  parlor  rug,  or  the  unsatisfactory 
method  of  tradespeople,  or  the  exact 
location  and  condition  of  your  corns, 
were  just  the  sort  of  topics  for  a  man's 
perpetual  home  entertainment? 


Multiplication 


begins  a  trinity 

Of  words  that  have  one 

soul — 

Heaven,  Home,  and  Hap- 
piness 
All  play  a  single  role. 


If  you  married  your  husband  without 
compulsion,  be  his  companion  without 
reservation. 

Even  the  promise  to  love,  honor,  and 
obey  does  not  make  imperative  instant 
repetition  of  all  your  friends'  little  con- 
fidences. 


A  little  love  is  a  dangerous  thing. 

Use  your  best  conversational  powers 
occasionally  at  your  own  dinner  table. 


is  a  lonely  pronoun, 

Retired  from  active  use, 

While  ive  works  overtime, 
And  the  Union  allows 
the  abuse. 


Can  your  wife  acquiesce  in  the  follow- 
ing sentiment — "The  married  woman 
is  the  only  one  who  is  always  sure  of 
her  beau"? 


There  are  nagging  women  and  pro- 
fane men;  it  is  hoped  they  will  all 
marry  each  other. 


Many  a  man  has  won  a  woman's  love 
and  later  lost  her  respect.  To  keep 
the  latter  is  always  the  finer  and  more 
vital  accomplishment. 

Few  women  admit  half  their  physical 
suffering;  be  generous  with  your  sym- 
pathy. 


recalls  the  Jars  and  Jangles 
Of  the  Joneses  over  the 

way, 
And  the  countless  family 

wrangles 

Overheard  most  any  day. 
Do  you  shudder  at  the 

prospect  ? 
Not  a  shudder;   nor  did 

they. 
Are  not  you  love's  true 

elect  ? 

Ah,  no,  just  the  same 
old  clay ! 


A  woman  who  appears  at  the  break- 
fast table  hideous  in  curl  papers  and 
sloppy  wrappers  must  think  she  has 
married  a  blind  man  or  a  sand  burr. 


A  woman  can  easily  overdraw  on 
her  husband's  sympathy;  it  is  one  of 
his  short  assets. 


If  you  can  act  as  your  husband's 
cook,  laundress,  housekeeper,  tailor,  and 
barber,  and  still  have  time  to  keep 
abreast  of  his  intellectual  wants  and 
pursuits,  well  and  good ;  otherwise,  sac- 
rifice a  few  of  the  above  to  companion- 
ableness. 

Try  and  discriminate  between  cour- 
tesy and  caresses;  the  latter  are  as  out 
of  place  in  public  as  kimonos  and  car- 
pet slippers. 


Division 
Ex.:    'Two  divided  by  one  =  o 


is  for  Kisses, — 
It  also  stands  for 

Kitchen ; 

Their  relative  importance 
Needs  no  mathemati- 
cian. 


Try  and  appear  conscious  that  the 
domestic  machinery  is  running  smoothly 
before  the  opposite  condition  arrives. 

The  ceremony  that  made  you  a  wife 
has  no  charm  to  keep  your  husband's 
love;  that  is  done  by  your  own  per- 
sonal charm. 


Every  self-respecting  husband  should 
have  a  private  code  known  only  to 
himself.  On  the  way  down  town  he 
makes  the  following  memoranda:  r  s — , 
7  k:  p  d  q ;  and  Brown,  in  the  next 
seat,  infers  that  Black  is  composing  a 
cablegram  to  a  Berlin  banker,  when  he 
is  only  promising  himself  to  pay  the 
dog  tax,  leave  his  wife's  gloves  at  the 
cleaner's,  and  be  home  promptly  for 
dinner. 

How  did  you  entertain  this  man 
before  your  engagement?  Try  some- 
thing similar  after  marriage. 


ove  takes  a  hand  of  each, 
And  they  wander  afar 

and  away; 
And  never  again 
To  that  maid  and  man 
Can  life  be  as  yesterday. 


When  you  are  married,  be  a  good 
comrade,  if  it  breaks  every  canon  of 
your  church  and  ancestry. 

A  man  should  be  willing  to  use  the 
same  sort  of  ability  in  his  position  as 
head  of  the  family  that  he  does  as  head 
of  a  firm. 


For  a  wife  who  whines,  or  a  husband 
who  sneers,  there  is  no  sort  of  marital 
salvation. 

You  and  your  wife  and  your  check- 
book should  be  a  committee  on  finance 
that  meets  monthly  with  closed  doors. 


is  for  Money  and  Mothers- 
in-law, 
And  Millions  of  other 

Mistakes 
That  every  fond  relative 

clearly  foresaw, 
And  mentions  each  time 
for  your  sakes. 


Of  course,  your  wife  has  flowers 
every  day  if  you  smoke  more  than  one 
El  Sidelo. 


When  your  husband  seems  willing 
that  all  the  economy  shall  be  at  the 
home  end,  insist  upon  laundering  his 
shirts  yourself. 


If  you  are  morally,  aesthetically  and 
financially  certain  that  your  wife  ought 
to  enjoy  a  new  Persian  rug  for  your 
den  more  than  a  box  for  grand  opera, 
don't  be  too  confident  of  the  charms 
of  Persia. 

Don't  give  your  husband  a  back- 
comb for  a  birthday  present. 


w  is  the  appointed  time, 
The  time  for  song  and 

laughter; 
For  love  and  joy  and 

deepest  bliss, 
For  selfless  thought  and 

holiest  kiss, 
For  kindly  word  and 

gentle  way, 
Forbearance,  faith   and 

courtesy, — 
The  time  to  dream  of 
after. 


Did  you  really  have  foremost  in 
mind  and  at  heart  the  woman's  happi- 
ness when  you  married? 


Tandems  came  in  with  some  other 
foreign  ideas;  a  span  is  rather  more 
our  American  idea  in  matrimony  as 
well  as  horses. 


It  is  barely  possible  that  you  have  a 
wife  who  would  prefer  a  daily  letter 
during  your  absence  to  some  new  bau- 
ble on  your  return, 

Never  ask  your  wife  why  she  doesn't 

get  a  dress  like  Mrs. .    Unless  they 

are  twins,  the  effect  of  following  your 
suggestion  will  appall  you  and  mor- 
tify her. 


is  for  Optimism, 

That  leads  you  to  be- 
lieve 

That  two  can  make  one; 
May  it  ne'er  take  its 
leave! 


Be  entertaining  to  your  husband,  or 
some  other  woman  will. 


A  woman  may  hold  out  and  even 
wax  stronger  in  spite  of  your  financial 
failure  or  a  deformity  that  overtakes 
you,  but  just  sicken  and  die  in  the  face 
of  uncouth  table  manners. 


A  wise  woman  sometimes  leaves  her 
husband  long  enough  to  increase  his 
appreciation,  but  not  long  enough  for 
him  to  seek  consolation. 

Even  matrimony  does  not  preclude 
individual  brushes  and  towels,  and,  oc- 
casionally, opinions. 


is  the  general  Public, 
And  the  Public  gen- 
erally knows 
About  everything   it 

shouldn't 

Except  where  to  keep 
its  nose. 


Beat  your  wife  in  private,  but  don't 
mortify  her  in  public. 


A  quail  once  said  to  her  mate: 
"Bob,  dear,  do  get  home  before  sun- 
down, and  don't  forget  the  wheat  for 
breakfast  and  the  milkweed  down  for 
the  new  nest,  and  match  these  blue- 


berries  at  the  upper  corner  bush,  and 
some  wool  tags  from  the  stony  pasture 
fence,  and — "  and  Bob  White  has  gone 
without  kissing  her. 

Don't  always  be  talking  of  your  hus- 
band's devotion.  It  makes  less  fortu- 
nate women  hate  you  and  the  rest 
disbelieve  you. 

If  you  dislike  her  friends  and  she 
does  not  like  yours,  move  into  a 
boarding-house  and  then  neither  will 
have  any. 


Compound  Proportion 


begins  the  Quarrel 

That  neither  one  began; 
That  was  altogether  his 

fault 

If  she  had  been  the 
man. 


If  all  admiration  and  interest  shown 
by  other  men  toward  your  wife  is  dis- 
tasteful to  you,  why  not  insist  upon 
her  wearing  a  tin  mask  ? 

Adjust  your  mood  to  that  of  your 
mate,  but  don't  ever  expect  him  to 
reciprocate. 


Possible  shipwrecks  make  such  inter- 
esting reminiscences  if  you  only  survive 
them.  Do  not  rob  your  matrimonial 
voyage  of  all  incident  by  jumping  over- 
board in  the  first  squall. 


introduces  Relatives 

You  never  knew  before ; 
And  some  bear  a  close 

resemblance 
To  the  ancient  scrip- 
tural poor. 


If  a  man's  people  are  distasteful  to 
you,  better  not  make  them  relatives, 
unless  you  contemplate  the  field  of 
foreign  missions. 

If  the  sunshine  of  perfect  frankness 
does  not  dispel  the  first  misty  misun- 
derstanding, a  London  fog  may  gather. 


The  guests  at  your  table  should  be 
chosen  with  a  view  of  compensating 
your  husband  for  much  pleasant  inter- 
course with  men  and  women,  otherwise 
sacrificed  by  his  marriage. 


stands  for  the  Solemn 

Silences 
That  often  between  you 

lay, 
When  hand  clasped  hand 

in  the  twilight, 
And  you  felt  what 

neither  could  say. 


In  the  formula  for  matrimonial  hap- 
piness, any  satisfactory  substitute  for 
self-forgetting,  self-effacing,  self-sacri- 
ficing love  has  never  been  obtained. 

Devotion  of  the  genuine  brand  will 
make  wrinkle  remedies  and  rouge  a 
drug  on  the  market. 


Every  new  home  is  a  chemical  lab- 
oratory that  may  run  to  explosives  or 
spiritual  radium. 

If  you  want  everything  as  your 
mother  used  to  make  it,  you  will,  of 
course,  be  willing  to  imitate  her  father 
in  the  size  of  your  vest,  checks,  etc. 


PAKTIES  WITH.  oniMin  OR  DOto  ROD  noi 

APPLY 


Simple  Fractions 

A  problem  which  intending  students  of  this  work 
must  not  ignore 


ruth  is  the  roof-tree's 

shade, 
Truth  is  the  brook  that 

flows, 

Truth  is  the  light  heaven- 
made, 
Truth  is  the  warmth 

that  glows; 
Truth  is  the  soul,  the 

spirit,  the  all 
That  breathes  through 
the  home,  unless 
it  fall. 


If  your  assets  are  broad  culture,  and 
his  are  business  integrity  and  capital, 
the  ethical  success  of  the  partnership 
lies  with  you. 


Not  two  wives  in  a  thousand  but 
what  are  absolutely  true  in  thought  and 
deed,  but,  being  women,  masculine  at- 


tentions  are  dearer  than  myrrh  and 
sweet  incense.  Give  yours  the  best 
domestic  article,  and  fear  no  foreign 
competition. 

If  you  have  managed  to  invest  your 
husband  with  the  infallibility  of  the 
Pope,  don't  force  your  opinion  of  him 
too  persistently  upon  the  general  pub- 
lic; they  may  have  met  him  before. 


is  the  Union 

That  typifies  the  whole 
Universe  of  matter 

And  Unison  of  soul. 


Do  exactly  the  same  qualities  give 
you  exactly  the  same  pleasure  after  you 
have  married  them?  Well,  you  were 
old  enough  to  have  known  it. 


Wear  whatever  your  husband  gives 
you,  even  if  it  is  a  candlestick  for  your 
back  hair. 


You  shouldn't  have  married  him 
unless  you  were  willing  to  live  in  a 
dugout  in  Nebraska  on  salt  mackerel 
and  corn  bread  for  the  sake  of  living 
with  him;  and  if  such  is  the  case,  a 
shortage  in  the  millinery  allowance 
won't  cause  any  domestic  gloom. 


stands  for  all  the  Virtues 
That  each  in  the  other 

admired; 
And  another  score  or  a 

hundred  more 
Each  found  must  be 
acquired. 


You  may  be  a  regular  Napoleon  of 
finance  and  a  modern  Alexander  in 
manipulating  men,  but  try  introducing 
a  raw  Swede  girl  to  a  coal  range,  the 
ice-box,  the  basement  laundry,  the  attic 
bedroom  and  the  electric  bells  and 
speaking-tubes — and  then  go  into  exile 
at  Elba  or  Elmira. 


Be  sure  that  your  husband  carries 
each  day  the  impression  that  he  left  at 
home  that  morning  the  most  charming, 
cheery,  freshly  gowned  woman  in  the 
city. 

Unless  you  are  especially  favored  with 
money,  strength  and  the  devotion  of 
servants,  some  of  the  domestic  tradi- 
tions will  have  to  be  sacrificed,  and  it 
behooves  you  to  decide  early  which 
shall  have  precedence — your  husband's 
convenience,  your  own  culture,  or  im- 
maculate housekeeping.  There  are  six 
possible  variations  of  the  order,  but 
only  one  produces  harmony. 


UNIVERSITY) 


A  Problem  in  Decimals 
Ex.:  .80*$+. 20-*=? 


oman  and  Wine  and 

Woe, 
A  Wife  and  Work  and 

Weal— 

They  each  give  pleasure 
In  different  measure, 
As  the  false  or  true 
appeal. 


If  you  selected  your  wife  because  of 
her  style,  don't  growl  when  the  styles 
change. 

Having  deprived  your  wife  of  all 
other  legitimate  male  escort  by  mar- 
rying her,  you  can  hardly  in  honor  do 
less  in  that  line  than  when  the  field 
was  open  to  others. 


If  you  have  a  quick  temper,  don't 
begin  your  first  housekeeping  in  a 
flat — take  a  house  with  a  coal  and 
wood  cellar  and  furnace.  These  fur- 
nish a  means  of  working  ofFany  amount 
of  indigestion,  grouch  and  profanity. 


is  the  Ten  you  lost  just 

when 
The  coal  in  the  bin 

was  low; 
Or  it  may  be  the  bill  that 

went  to  fill 
Her  soubrettity  after 

the  show ; 
Or  possibly,  now,  it  played 

that  cow 
Called  the  favorite  on 

the  track; 

Or  it  may  be  was  caught 
where  Horatio 
fought, 

At  the  bridge,  against 
the  whole  pack. 


Elevate  your  husband's  sports  by 
participating  in  them. 

If  you  have  married  a  man  with 
sporting  tendencies,  don't  expect  him 
to  cheerfully  substitute  a  symphony 
concert  for  some  Lou  Dillon  event. 


Don't  take  all  elasticity  out  of  your 
husband's  purse  by  keeping  your  hand 


in  it. 


No  gentleman  compels  his  wife  to 
live  in  a  blue  haze  of  tobacco  smoke 
or  a  conversational  atmosphere  laden 
with  the  rococco  doings  of  his  fellows. 


is  the  Youth  that  lingers 
Long  where  love  doth 

dwell ; 

Though  the  hair  be  white 
And  eyes  lose  sight, 
Youth  sings  in  the 

heart,  "All's  well." 


The  most  interesting  book  you  can 
ever  put  in  your  wife's  hands  is  a  bank- 
book in  her  own  name. 


When  you  can  use  railroad  graders 
in  your  laboratory,  cowboys  for  bank 
clerks,  chimney-sweeps  for  bookkeepers, 
blacksmiths  for  stenographers, —  then 


attack  the  domestic  servant  problem 
that  your  wife  possibly  has  not  handled 
with  entire  success. 

The  firm  conviction  held  three  hun- 
dred and  sixty-four  days  in  the  year 
that  you've  said  an  extravagant  number 
of  fond,  foolish  things  to  your  wife  is 
more  comfortable  than  the  entertain- 
ment of  genuine  remorse  for  five  min- 
utes. 

Your  judgment  may  be  good  about 
selecting  gowns,  but  if  it  is  really  good, 
you  won't  use  it. 


may  stand  for  Zero ; 
In  spite  of  the  axiom 

taught 
That  in  marriage  two  are 

one, 
The  result   is  often 

naught. 
Compound  your  interests 

daily, 
Subtract  all  fear  and 

doubt, 
Multiply  your  joys,  add 

more  love; 

The  sum's  worth  figur- 
ing out. 


LIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


